Make way for the dramatics!
It’s going to be a loooooooooong day…
*sigh*
WTF
May 15, 2008 at 3:29 am (Uncategorized)
Tags: bipolar, family, hell, manic, wtf
Okay I understand that I am a complete fuckup and that I will never amount to a damn thing but I am sick and tired of hearing about my screw ups and that people are more worried that I hear them then actually hearing me. I am hate being told to calm down…half the time I hear that I want to pound my fist into a wall or bitch slap the person who says that. I am so done with tryin to get my family to hear me. It is such a waste and I am tired of feeling so alone. It hurts that they just don’t get it…they don’t even frickin try…it is all about they know everything and they are always fucking right. My mom told me tonight she knew I was manic last year but felt it more important for her to show that she was supporting me…if she really knew then that means she watched as I sat on the self destruction button. I think what she said is full of shite! She believes that I will always be unable to be an adult. Well welcome to the frelling club. But you know what…there is something deep down…a voice that is shouting out that I can be on my own…that I will get thru this, pay off my mom, and just maybe succeed at life FINALLY. I feel like I just got stabbed in the chest. I feel like anytime I try to say please stop telling me that I am a fuckup that I am just banging my head against a spiked brick wall. Well to hell with it all. I am giving up…maybe tomorrow I won’t feel like such a slug that people want to watch disolve with salt. Fuckin hell
Kendall
Envy that runnith over
May 15, 2008 at 2:56 am (Uncategorized)
Tags: Envy, jealousy, numb, skills
So when I read online today that Angelina is having twins…the words “that bitch” came to mind and mouth. I am so jealous…not that she is having Pitt’s baby because personally I think there are far finer men out there but because she is having kids. I want kids…I know that I will never have them…okay maybe I should say that I don’t think I will ever have them and that kills me. I mean right now I can’t really take care of myself. My doctor wants me to work on my social skills…to which I retorted “what skills?” I am much more comfortable watching from the corner. It is more fun to see people react to each other and study their body language to see how they hide things.
As for work…I ain’t doing anything…my focus is so easily shifted. I would say that I am looking for escapism but I think some of it is the thrill of maybe getting caught…not that I want to lose my job…it is like I see myself doing something wrong but I am so damn numb I don’t fight it.
Kendall
Manic today, gone tomorrow
May 14, 2008 at 3:38 am (Uncategorized)
Tags: debt, dosage, lamitical, manic, mind
So the last time I was on I mentioned the manic storm that I felt was coming…well it hit and I am trying to get out of it less scathed then last time. I mean 18,000 in debt is bad, right? Yes, I know it is bad…real bad. Thankfully my mother is helping me out. Yes, I know that I am 32 but if I did not have my core family I would be in a hospital somewhere along side the blonde girl who decides to stare at me in my cot the whole damn day long. So my doctor has added Lamitcal to my regiment. And the “great” news is that the damn dosage is increasing every week. So welcome the extra frellin pounds that continue to park on my stomach! I have been trying to focus on others…avoidance maybe but it is better than focusing on the rapid fire crap going thru my mind at 3000 miles per hour. Well I am going to go to bed…trying to get 8 hours of sleep.
Love Kendall
Note to Charlotte
April 24, 2008 at 2:52 pm (Uncategorized)
Dear Charlotte,
I know that you don’t want to hear from me right now…maybe not for a long time but there is something that I am supposed to tell you…that I need to tell you. I need you to hear this… DO NOT BELIEVE THE LIE. This coming straight from above. If you hear anything please hear that…it is that very distant voice in all the darkness that you are in. I am not going to belittle you with words that don’t help you right now. I will ask one thing though…if it gets much worse, please go to the ER. Jace and I are praying for you and we are here if you need to tell us stuff you can’t say outloud to others.
Love,
Kendall
And one more to grow on
April 15, 2008 at 2:25 am (Uncategorized)
Tags: anger, fear, kids, pain
Kendall here-
So first thing Saturday morning, I wake up with one of my cat’s ass in my face. MEOW. Needless to say I tried to nudge him off the bed…and he dug his vampire claws into my arm and tugged…I don’t think my veins knew what to do with that dose of WTF.
So flash foward ten minutes and I am calling my mom, who was coming over to help clean the garage, to ask her to bring me an ace bandage (needed something to cover up the grizzly marks on my arm) and she spouts “Why don’t you just get rid of the cats.” Okay she says she was just joking but my gut reaction was to hang up on her, call her back, and tell her to shut the frack up. I am sick and tired of her crap about how they are just cats…they are my babies…they eat before I do…I don’t get why she can’t grasp that simple fact.
Flash foward to her arrival…”Why are you always whining? Why are you always complaining?” And all I did was open the frellin door. Okay so I had some real practice trying to control my anger. I finally gave up and walked back into the house. I guess Jace talked to her and before I knew it she had left without saying goodbye.
It is frustrating to have this constant need to defend myself, to keep my anger in check. I feel like I keep walking into a brick wall and DAMN IT ALL-IT HURTS.
On a side note-do you want to know what one of my biggest fears is? I am afraid that I will be unable to have children. I will be having a procedure done to check into why I am having some “womenly” problems and I am honestly afraid that my doctor will tell me that I am unable to have kids. Most of the time I can’t take care of myself. Why am I thinking about kids? I am mean I could pass this on to my kid…
I know that both my parents have some issues…I do question their mental states sometimes…each one blames the other for me having bipolar…”oh you got that from your mother” or “you must of got that from your father.”
Hounded
April 11, 2008 at 5:04 am (Uncategorized)
Tags: stupid
Jace here, answering the pleading of the ever-nudging sister down the hall to “blog already!”. With the day that I’ve had (well, ever since 2:45 pm rolled around), blogging has been the last thing on my mind. Sorry, but there it is.
*Sigh*
As I lay across my bed, fingers typing away on my laptop with a fresh movie re-playing in my head, I am lead to a question: Are people really that stupid? Ok, I’m positive that all who are reading this are wondering as to what context or situation lead to this ponder. Well, it’s something that I have to ask myself on a daily basis. One of life’s eternal questions, as it were. So, in all honesty, nothing really significant ever needs to happen in order for me to ask. However, several miniscle and yet, at the same time, pressing issues arose today (at work) that left me baffled at what I like to call “The Power of Stupid”. (Hmm, come to think of it, I might want to register that phrase as a trade mark.) Anyways, the details are unnecessary, but let’s just say that most people are just oblivious.
I’m thankful that tomorrow is Friday, but since Kendall and I need to clean the house and garage before the parentals come over on Saturday to do a proper cleaning of the garage, I’m having a tough time rejoicing. <Insert pathetic “whoot-whoot” here>
I’m going to bed.
Double-minded
April 11, 2008 at 2:24 am (Uncategorized)
Tags: anger, bipolar, damage, work
From Kendall-
So today I woke up drained and unable to really get my ass out of my twin bed. I know, you see twin bed and go “aren’t you thirty something?” It was free and it was a pillow top mattress. Getting up this morning sucked…it has been really sucking lately. It is not that I don’t get enough sleep, well I at least get 6 hours lately, it is just that my body does not want to get going. I could say it is the dread of work but I know it is something else.
So once I drag my fat ass out of bed then I am faced with the whole “do I grow my bangs out or not” question and this morning I was looking for the scissors…okay I did not find them but I can tell I am getting to the point where I want to damage myself/bangs just to do something to myself. That may sound dire but it isn’t…I tend to punish myself by being destructive to my hair…it lets me be someone else for a moment however brief…I will say that if I dye my hair black then you will know that I have started on a slide towards the manic depression stage that I tend to jump into every now and then. Don’t ask me what trying to go blonde signals…I am not sure yet.
I am hearing conversations though, distant voices, like part of me is somewhere else in time. Crazy sounding, huh? Matter of fact, my regular doc asks me all the time if I am still hearing voices and I say “always” but it is when I tell him that I can understand them that I can see his brow crease in concern. Of course I think that some things I hear are really real and are part of the spiritual battle that I believe goes on around us everyday. I am an oddity in more ways than having bipolar. I think that my faith has really helped me when those voices, the ones that say JUMP or go to sleep forever, are really loud…it is then when I can hear a clear voice that speaks the TRUTH. I know that is what has kept me here.
I will admit sometimes I think it would be better for me if I was to go back into the hospital, safer, but even when I was there, I had battles. I am not antisocial…I am just not social. I don’t have trust issues…I just don’t trust. I don’t imagine things…I see them.
Oops…see I did it again…got off track…been one of those days. I really dwaddled at work today…not much to do…well honestly the thing that I could be doing I don’t want to do cause it is a waste of time but then again I wasted my time doing stuff I shouldn’t be doing at work.
Speaking of work…I have a review coming up and I am a little frightened…I am frightened that if I get blindsided again that my anger, the stuff that seethes in the depths of my stomach, might boil to the top and I might just quit out right. See there are things I can tell the six people (the ones who I can be mostly honest with) and then there are things I don’t even tell my doctor…I am working on the whole anger thing. I have made a lot of improvement in the past year with regards to my Gutteral reactions that I tend to have towards my family. It can truly be a volital place to be in. No one forgets anything that I have done and that tends to prompt a vile response from me and around we go. I don’t even think that my family has noticed the progress I have made…and it hurts. With my sister, if she says something that pisses me off or hurts me, I really do try not to react right away…and this sometimes ticks her off because to her I shut down…that isn’t what is really happening but to voice what is going on is a real struggle for me. Remember verbal labrynith. With my mom it is just easier to let her yell and ignore EVERYTHING. Both her and my dad have the need to be right. I hurt more than you or I am the parent…well these days, it seems to be parent swap.
I love my family.
Today I am just double minded.
Pardon me?
April 10, 2008 at 3:39 am (Uncategorized)
This is Kendall. I wanted to share a little info with you. I am in my early thirties, can’t decide on what color my hair should be, have good moments, really rough hours, and love to laugh. I love Eddie Izzard, Jeff Dunham, and Catherine Tate. I love music…can’t really pick the best band ever…but right now I am listening to The Birthday Massacre A LOT.
With regards to me being bipolar…well hell that is a long story. I have been dealing with these “issues” for as long as I can remember. I have been told that I was depressed, had borderline personality disorder, slightly schitzo, with pyschotic tendancies, the inability to spell, and been told that yes, I really am bipolar…and not only bipolar but bipolar 1…yites. But believe it or not I was happy when one doctor finally told me that. It was like everything crazy in my life clicked. My current doctor did not totally believe the other’s diagonisis and for a while tried to treat me for just borderline personality disorder but boy when I went manic…she up and changed her mind. Of course by that time I had already dug myself a great big hole of debt and now I am trying desperately to stay above the surface.
So I decided to do this blog…why? I wanted a place to be honest…brutally honest about what it is like to hear things from family, friends, deal with people at work, and listen to other’s ideas about what bipolar is.
My biggest irritation with regards to bipolar is how some people look at how someone is acting and go “he has to be bipolar!” WTF? Are they friggen doctors? Hell, my doctor thought it was something else at first…this crap is not easy to label folks! Just because a woman, who is bipolar, drives her kids into a lake does not mean that I will! Just because you saw someone on tv talk about their bout with bipolar does not mean you know when I am having a manic phase or like my mom says “in one of my moods.” This is a mean and sometimes very dibilitating illness but sometimes there are pleasures to be had here.
Well, that is my rant for the night.
Blessed, Boobilicious, and Bipolar
April 10, 2008 at 2:20 am (Uncategorized)
Tags: bipolar
Well, hello world. My name is Kendall, my sister’s name is Jace, and my friend’s name is Charlotte. We have decided to put our thoughts and questions about bipolar out there. We are three gals who have quandries, insights, skewed views (well they have…just kidding), fears, and hella funny inside jokes. We all love to read and watch movies. The three of us have a faith in Christ, big tatas, and have to put up with my crap on a daily basis. The format will be jumbled, confusing, and hopefully daily.
I am currently on Seroquel and that is it for my bipolar. Thank the Lord for that! I just had a session with my doctor today, who is so wonderful! She actually told me that she is starting to understand my verbal labrynith. She hopes that one day I will be able to speak in complete sentences. =)
Jace on the other hand wholey disagrees with that possibility…she says no one has the magical powers to gain understanding into my train of speak…did you hear that choo choo? Jace waves as it passes by, again.
I am currently struggling at work with a coworker who seems to claw their way out of the depths of the seventh level of hell everyday to push my sanity to the very edge…I am getting short, snappy, and downright mean…damn her. How was your day?
Jace was somewhat weirded out at the thought of doing this blog however she brillantly came up with the name and can’t wait to be able to type her own thoughts freely, and at least an arms length away from my seven ton pillow. Charlotte is really excited to be a part of this socially disfunctional experiment. (Please forgive the spelling errors tonight…I was blinded as the sun peeked out from the black clouds today)
