June 24, 2008 at 12:57 am (Uncategorized)
Absolute-you can NEVER make people happy so stop yourself from hurling into that brick wall that hastily built in front of you. Today was a tough one as I sat in my doctor’s office and really tried to get at why I truly Hate myself. That in itself is hard to do let alone to do it in 45 minutes. I cried, I mumbled, I relived, and yet even though she said I was making sense to her…nothing she said really helped. Was I taken advantage of? Yes! Had I been wrongfully touched? Yes! Had I equated sex for love? Yes! Do I have trust issues? HELL YES! Have I ever like who I am? NO!
Then I get to work and slammed right into a wall…the wall of perpetual stupidity. I am never going to get this raise so my mind is starting to shut down. I could be working a lot harder but the digital readout in front of my eyes keeps repeating…things will never change….forget about it….
Needless to say after working a mere 5.75 hours I am completely wiped so I am going to lay my head down and try and get some sleep…to bad no one is here to apply pressure on that kinky point in my back.
Kendall
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June 22, 2008 at 7:28 pm (Uncategorized)
Tags: dislike, low self esteem, manic, racing thoughts, silence
There are sometimes when I have absolutely nothing on my mind to talk about when I have to go see my doctor. Last time I honestly thought I was wasting my time going because I had nothing on my mind to talk about…crazy huh? It is weird when I go from racing thoughts to having nothing…no thought, not voices, no NOTHING! I mean I guess I can talk about the fact that I am able to have children but I don’t think I will ever get there unless I win the lotto, cut out the frellin fat, and then pick a donor. I don’t see me in a relationship that involves sex. Half of me is revolted by the thought and then sometimes my “manic” eps make sex a forced thought. It is almost like I am two different people. I guess maybe I can talk about my utter frustration at work or how much I absolutely hate myself…I am almost back to my highest weight EVER. I am disgusting. I could say that it is the serequel…my hope is that I am actually blocked up and that is why I went from 200 up to 224 in the last few months…I won’t even know that until I see my gastrologist on Tuesday to hopefully set up a colonscopy. Did I tell you that I hate myself right now…I don’t feel sorry for myself…I just hate who I am and what I look like.
So any ideas what to talk about? Okay so I have already mentioned the loathing of my self…what about my frustration at work…or what about finding out why I am so fraked up. I mean when I am going to get to the real gritty stuff? Like why don’t I like to be touched? I mean I could go back to junior high when the “guys” thought it was cool to put their hands down my shirt and I really could not do anything about it. Or how when I was in a relationship that I thought sex and heavy petting equaled love. What the hell was I thinking? I was by no mean a Loose gal but I did let them control me. Am i really that weak or was I just trying to feel? I know that my doctor really wants me to work on “relationships”…to get out there…but again I can’t stand myself. Now people think that I do this on purpose but I don’t. I don’t know why I am here. Well I guess I need to talk about that then…huh?
Kendall
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June 20, 2008 at 2:02 am (Uncategorized)
Okay so I am home and out of the hospital. Let me tell you about my day yesterday. First I went to work at 5 am to try and get stuff done where I really did not get stuff done because people seem to not care if I get the necessary paperwork to do my job so from the get go I was pissed off. Flash foward to right before I am supposed to check in at the hospital and I walk by a car with a dog locked inside while the owner is frakin nowhere. I HATE people who do that. In my opinion those people should be shot, hung, and quarted…I know that sounds harsh but that is those are the images that comes to mind as I walk by those cars where people who supposedly love their animals keep them locked up in a car. I think that we should lock them up in a hot as hell glass box and then blast them with artic air and go back in forth between the extremes for four hours or more so maybe they can get what those poor animals feel like. Why can’t you just leave them at home? Seriously where are they heads? I don’t get it. And then I park the car in the garage at the hospital and again someone has left their poor dog locked in a car while they are fuck all! I honestly think these people need to get a clue. That is like leaving your child in a car while you go and frellin play on the swings. Selfish…that is what I think they are. Okay so off that rant and onto the surgery. I can now tell you I know what it is like to have your uterus scrapped out…I don’t know how someone can go and get an abortion…I am not faulting those who have one…I just don’t agree with the idea. The good news out of all this is that my doctor has said that I can carry a child. I started crying when my mom told me that…my sister asked the doctor for me. But like I said in my last post…the only way I see me having a child is via a donation. I just don’t see me ever in a relationship. Well back to the surgery…they started with heavy sedation but I guess my body did not think that was enough so low and behold I wake up with a sore throat. What the hell…well then I hear that they did have to stick a tube down my throat and really put me under. And I can tell you today that my thoat is hurting and if I talk to much it seems to swell shut. And now I am sitting in bed trying not to move because my uterus, cervis, and vajjay feel really uncomfortable. So my hystersocopy is over and done with…they cut out a polyp and now I have to wait for two weeks to find out if anything else was wrong with the stuff inside my uterus. Well next week I am off to see my “head” doctor and then the next day I am off to the gastrologist…meaning I will be setting up an appointment for a colonoscopy…fun huh. Well now that I have had my rant I am going to go and take another pill (really not trying to get hooked on this stuff) and going to try and sleep
Kendall
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June 17, 2008 at 6:54 pm (Uncategorized)
Tags: angry, fear, moving, work
I am not a completely morose gal. I have my moments of brief joy but most of them of late are from my hyper manic dance. And to make it worse I might be losing my best friend due to the piling of crap that keeps raining on her. I don’t want her to move…what the hell will I do…selfish huh? I seem to want to put that in a looked space in my warped mind and claim it was just a nightmare when she told me she might be moving. How loud do I have to be for God to hear me and help her? My lifeline: damn it!
How bad do these seasons really have to be? I know that they serve a purpose and that it won’t be revealed right away but come the frak on!
So today is the day before my “procedure” that will possibly help me out but on the other end of this is the possibility that I will hear that I am unable to bear children which will devastate me but I also know that I won’t be doing the deed to get one either. It is a double edge sword—I don’t believe I will ever be in a relationship with a man and I am okay with that. Sometimes it makes me sad but I don’t trust anyone and I also dislike myself and that is not a good place to be in for a relationship. And then there is the “deed”…I am not the keen on it. Though I will admit that I have dreamt about…and honestly that makes me feel all kinds of dirty. But for the last five days that thought has been bugging the H E double hockey sticks out of me.
On a side note…please just shoot me…what the hell is going on at work. I can’t win to save your life. First it is the fact that the phone only takes 10 minutes if that to learn and I keep getting asked if this person will have enough training on the phone before I leave today…do they think I am retard or that this person is? And then second I get blamed for not getting enough pizza for 15 people—so it is my fault that people feel entitled to more than one piece before every one get a single piece. I mean holy hell I can’t get anything right. And do I get a thank for ordering the fricking pizzas—NO! Instead I get a “well next time”
I am trying to remember to be positive but it so easy for me to be dumbfounded by the stupidity in this world. I have been keeping a lot of stuff in and I need to find away to deflate both physically and mentally soon! I don’t know how much more of this I can take.
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June 13, 2008 at 5:46 am (Uncategorized)
Tags: bipolar, crazy, hysterscopy, manic, questioning, temptation
What have I been tempted to do? Well take more than one pain pill, think about sex, lie, deny, and even die. Not that I am suicidal at the moment. I have to wonder at how some people can be so sheltered that that just mentioning having thoughts of going to sleep forever as some weakness, some evil, something only in your head. Well guess what, that is where I reside…in my head. I am so stuffed with whatever lies, pain, and abuse that I can only hear the voices inside my head…even the ones that are so muffled and tell me to give up. And yet there are people who will line up to say that it is not who I am or that I am possessed…WTF? Like I told Charlette, you can’t believe the lie but that is so much easier said than done…especially when the sky is pouring nothin but more bricks down on your head. I have been there…stuck in a ball not wanting to be seen or really see. I have been locked inside my house not wanting to face anything. I have even been to visit the hospital in a small room that I had to share with someone else for awhile. I have said since I was in junior high that one day they would put me away…I did not know why I felt like that truly for a long time…it was also at this time that my counsler told me Every Thing Was My Fault…I kid you not.
So I have made some really stupid moves in the last few days and I won’t tell anyone what they were but instead I am going to throw out things that have tempted me…things that seem often taboo or not right. I feel like telling someone to shut the hell up because I am not like them, I feel like beating the crap out of a wall, I feel like starving my fat self until there is nothing left, I feel like crying because I can’t feel, and I feel like telling my wanted truth. What would be my last ever temptation?
That is like asking for me to finish a story…I fall prey to my temptations alot…hell I have not made much progress in that regard and it sure as hell does not help when I am manic and have those “crazy” urges…it is almost comical to see my doctor’s face when she asks me if I am having sex…people are more “loose” when they feel invinsible but thanks to my utter dislike of myself I will never have that problem unless I get hooked on pills which would mean that all else has failed and I don’t have that voice inside my head that is telling me DONT BELIEVE THE LIE.
And one more thing…I am having a minor procedure done next week…one that will let my doctor see my uterus (she likened this procedure to a video game) and scrape out the bits inside…and NO this is not an abortion…this is a hysterscopy…but what really scares me is that when i wake up she will tell me that I can’t have kids…not like I will get married or win the lotto so I can pick my babies daddy without the deed.
yours,
Kendall
I will leave you with a quote that has been with me all week.
“The last temptation is the greatest treason: To do the right deed for the wrong reason” T.S. Elloit
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June 12, 2008 at 9:41 pm (Uncategorized)
Kendall here…I haven’t been on here for awhile as I seemingly find my preoccupied with either catching up on The Profiler or reading books or more like buying more books that I have no time to read. That little part of manic has turned into a book free-for-all and I am really trying to stop…I caught myself at work looking to order two more books. WTF. I know I am not invisible and yet here I go spending money I don’t have. I really want to use my rebate check to get me a spinner bike but I have 11,000 left to pay on my credit cards! I need to run into a freaking leprechaun so that I can find a second windfall. I know I should focus on writing but I don’t trust myself to keep going on something I start…hell I don’t even know if I can write or if I have a story to tell. Well i am going to go.
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May 28, 2008 at 6:52 pm (Uncategorized)
Please hear me, fellow co-worker… I really like you. You’re sweet, helpful, and fun to be around. But please don’t make personal phone calls while I’m helping to cover some of your duties. My time is precious at work these days and your 30 minute phone call just cost me 3-4 projects that I could have been working on.
Thank you.
Jace
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May 28, 2008 at 3:36 am (Uncategorized)
Tags: failure, fear, kidneys, stepmom
So my there is this woman who is like a second mother to me (one that is a total opposite of my mom) and she finally returned one of my calls today to tell me that last month her kidneys went out! WTF. And I am just hearing about this now?! I know I suck at keeping in contact with people when it comes to talking to them once I get off of work…I mean I answer the phones all damn day long at work so I don’t really want to be on one when I get home. Okay so here is my fear…that she will die and I won’t be told or that she dies and I have not gone out to see her before. I could book a flight and show up at her house on Saturday but I don’t want to intrude since she is really tired…ie weak right now. I honestly don’t know what I would do if something bad happened to her…not that her kidneys going out wasn’t bad enough. I was so hoping she would have been approved for a transplant…and I was supposed to hear from her on that like in December…and yet I am just now hearing from her.
She lets me be me and talks to me straight while actually listening to me. My grandmother once accused me of loving her more than my mom…which is so not true. It is just with her that I can be me…screwed up, schitzophrenic me. I honestly on count five people as my family and she is the fifth.
I am sitting here on the brink of tears. Damn it.
Kendall
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May 25, 2008 at 4:21 am (Uncategorized)
Tags: chocolate, counseling, depression, hope, post partum, postpartum
So last time I gave a real update was when I had a counseling appointment scheduled. That didn’t go so well.
The counselor was a nice lady. Completely incompetent, but nice. She spent more time making sure she had everything spelled correctly than in really hearing me. I was finally brave enough to admit I’d been having suicidal thoughts. She totally me I needed to take 3 walks a week. I responded that some days it was just hard to get out of bed. Then she said I need to act ‘as if’ everything was fine, until it was again. God’s honest truth, the example she used of making yourself was when she has to pee in the middle of the night. She said, “I don’t want to get out of bed to pee, but I know I’m just going to be more uncomfortable the longer I wait.” Okay — my killing myself is the same as her wetting the bed. Super.
I got out of the appointment and fell apart. I did one smart thing — I called people. I called my nurse practitioner, I called my midwife (who was keeping in touch about my postpartum issues), and my sister. They immediately went into action to help me. And then my close friends became involved and just KEPT CHECKING ON ME. There were moments when my lifeline was knowing that someone cared enough to keep calling.
I have a ways to go. But being able to talk about the Dark Monster makes it not so awful, not so scary. Some people don’t understand and that is hard. I just keep listening to my precious friend’s voice: DON’T BELIEVE THE LIES.
We are playing with my medication and eventually (!) I’m going to get to see a counselor for some consistent, non make-it-worse sessions. And it really will get better. I think. (Everytime I think it can’t get worse…wow.)
In my readings, I came across the statement that depression is the chemically-caused inability to believe in a better future. That’s pretty much true. So I’m trying to focus on right now. What can I do to deal with today? Some things I’m doing are positive — spending time cuddled with my husband, playing with my children, contributing to this blog. Other things are NOT positive — eating chocolate like they’re about to pull it from the market, watching t.v. all day, curled up in a ball in my dark bedroom. I’m gaining weight at a ridiculous pace. (I’m going to be a translucent post-candy Veruca soon.)
I wanted to move forward, making plans to create a better future. Right now, all I can do is hold onto today with both desperate paws. It doesn’t make me like myself very much, but it keeps me alive long enough to somehow hope that I will hope again.
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May 24, 2008 at 1:19 am (Uncategorized)
Tags: questioning
Okay so when did this year start going so, hhhmmm what the right word, frellin upside down?! I know that old saying about “God not giving you more than you can handle” but at some point I have to ask him “what the hell looks like enough for you?” My dearest friend keeps getting shat on with one thing after the other. My family can’t seem to want to understand, learn, or listen about what is going on with me…I mean hypermanic can easily go into manicdepression with a snap of my fat little fingers…hey isn’t that an oxymoron?
So the sky is cloudy and the rain is falling here in the beautiful crappy neighborhood we live in.
Well I am going to go and sit in a dark room as flowers are projected onto a wall around me…oh wait that is only happening in my head…escapism can have its benefits you know.
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