July 1, 2008 at 11:07 pm (Ramblings)
Tags: arguments, family, growth, M&Ms, money, parents, relationships
Around every corner are opportunities for growth. Dealing with relationships. Relationships. Relationships. Sometimes a single conversation changes the way you look at someone. Sometimes an event.
We got a call today that my father-in-law is ill. They don’t know if it’s cancer yet. But they know it’s not good. This man I’ve had few conversations with, this man who raised my husband, is a man I may wish I’d gotten to know…
I got into an argument with my dad this week. We don’t normally fight, so it was odd. He questioned my parenting abilities. I stood my ground. But it still affects how I feel about myself. After all, I am working through that place of seeing myself apart from how my parents see me. (If this came easy to you, congratulations. It hasn’t for me.)
And then there’s still the whole WE HAVE NO MONEY issue. Definitely an opportunity for growth!
The question: Will I find it within to take those growth steps — or will I curl up in a ball eating M&Ms in the dark?
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June 24, 2008 at 8:03 am (Ramblings)
Tags: accomplished, childhood, faithful, healthy, parents, ripples
I have been thinking about parents today. Mine. My friends’. Me.
Every generation seeks to give their kids a better life than they had. Right? That’s how it’s supposed to go. Course corrections. The problem is — we don’t see the problem when it’s occurring. It is discovered as the ripples flow through an adult’s life. It is discovered when that adult has to go to therapy to talk about the impact of all those ripples!
Someone once told me that their childhood had no bearing on their life. They honestly believed that the past was the past. But if the ripples are still present, the problem is not in the past — it’s very much part of today.
So the question is two-fold:
First, how do we identify apart from our parents? How do we separate ourselves from how they see themselves and how they see us?
Second, knowing that to some extent we are going to screw up, because we are human, how do we minimize the nasty ripples we will send into our children’s futures?
I’ve been thinking much this evening of my dear friend friend with her commitment and self-esteem issues. (It’s always easier to be objective about pain that isn’t directly yours, as awful as it may be.) I don’t doubt her parents love her. But I can draw direct lines to her issues with herself and the issues her parents “rippled” into her life from their own. How can a woman embrace her beauty when she sees her beautiful mother unable to embrace her own beauty? How can a woman feel confident when she hears the constant self-recrimination of her very accomplished mother? If your hero isn’t good enough, how can you ever be? Right?? And if the man who primed you for all men can’t stay true how can you trust that any man will be true to you?
I will have to explore my own issues with parents soon. As soon as I can touch that painful place in my heart. Because I do understand not living up to very accomplished parents. And though my dad is as faithful as they come, he has always shied away from affection with his daughters.
I honestly don’t know if I closed my eyes to these issues until now because I didn’t think it was worth the hurt of working through them — or that now, having my own children, I have to get healthy for them. I guess getting healthy for myself wasn’t enough. … And that’s a whole other issue.
Respectfully,
Charlotte
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June 20, 2008 at 6:14 am (Ramblings)
Tags: challenge, change, choices, happens
Life is made up of all our little choices. I heard once that all those little choices add up to who we are. One might argue that much of life happens to us. I must cede the point. However, how we respond is as vital to who we will become as is what becomes of us.
The challenge is exhausting and, possibly, exhilirating. Make the choices count.
Pondering These Things,
Charlotte
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June 15, 2008 at 4:02 am (Ramblings)
Tags: dysfunction, family crap, family dynamics, family life, living arrangements, living with parents, pride
I pose this question: Are all families disfunctional? Or have we labeled something that is simply a normal part of family life dysfunction?
After all, if we went through the crap our families put us through with anyone else, we’d likely walk away. But that is the pain and the reassurance that is family: You’re stuck with them!
I was reminded of this today as I dealt with an issue I’ve worked hard to ignore. T and I have gone over our finances again and again. It boils down to this humiliating fact: We can move in with his parents or mine. My family lives much closer. (Like, 1700 miles closer.) So I sucked it up and called to ask. The response. 1-”We already have someone living with us.” (So they would choose that person over us?) 2-”Have you explored your options?” (No, I truly craved the final ultimate humiliation of moving my family in with my parents at age 31.) 3-”Don’t do anything hasty.” (T and I have been struggling with these issues for nine months. Things have intensified recently, but the issues are not new. Nine months is not exactly hasty.)
So in plain English, my parents DON’T want us moving in with them for any amount of time. It is, of course, their prerogative as to whom they help support. But I have to admit a simple, “That won’t work for us,” would have been less unpleasant. Then we could have avoided the painful lobbing of excuses. What it boils down to (in my mind, anyway) is that they are DONE having kids. They love their grandkids; enjoy their visits; happy to wave goodbye at the end of the week.
Pride. Family dynamics. Screwy games of ‘Don’t tell mom I said this, but…” “Don’t tell your sister I said this, but…” “Don’t say anything to dad, but…” It’s exhausting and only occasionally fun.
I feel a little better since writing this out. But the issue still stands that, barring a miracle, the next conversation is with the in-laws. Yup. 2,000 miles away. With all the baggage in-laws bring. And T would agree with me that his family dynamics are WAY wackier than mine.
Respectfully, Charlotte
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June 14, 2008 at 3:21 am (Ramblings)
Tags: broke, light bulb, salmonella, sick, tired
I’ve been told that in times of stress, you must ‘let go.’ It should have been more specific advice.
‘Cause I’ve let go. Of cooking. And cleaning. For awhile I even let go of hygiene. (Thank God, that’s getting better. Bunny trail: I’m still only shaving my legs about once a month, but there are other factors involved there. I like shaving my legs when I can be alone. And I am NEVER alone.)
R has been sick for five days. They are testing her for salmonella. I’m thinking it may just be a really bad virus, as O threw up tonight for the first time.
I have had to change clothes three times today, due to an influx of vomit onto said articles. Can I just say there are few things in life as grouse as feeling puke penetrate your shirt and drip, drip down between your breasts?
I didn’t get to go to the family reunion this weekend. Missed out on MY birthday cake!
Don’t get me wrong. I adore my kids and it breaks my heart that they’re sick. But I am worn out.
And I’m still trying to figure out how we are going to support 4 people on practically nothing. Moving in with family creates all kinds of new problems.
I keep praying for that light bulb to turn on. In the meantime, it’s pretty dim in this tired brain.
Charlotte
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June 12, 2008 at 11:45 pm (Ramblings)
Tags: disability, Rich Mullins, security, shaken
Charlotte here. Wishing that this was one of those dream sequences where you wake up and all the bad stuff was a nightmare and all the good stuff was a promise of things to come.
But it’s not. It’s real. It’s my life. And I have to find the strength to face it. Head on. Hiding in my bedroom watching television is not going to get anything accomplished. It just means another day has passed without anything changing.
An ‘overpayment’ has led to a reduction in our disability payments. No one has any idea how a family of four is supposed to make it on $700/month. All I have left to sell is our second vehicle. We’ll get about $1400 from that. That will catch up our bills, but not much more.
I have discovered that I never had security. Only the illusion thereof. “When everything that can be shaken is shaken. And all that remains is all I ever really had.” The question is – beyond putting my house back together, what is the next step? Beats the heck out of me.
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June 6, 2008 at 12:07 pm (Ramblings)
Tags: caffeine, sleep
It’s 5:00am. I’m up. Never was ‘down.’ I laid in bed for five hours and finally gave up. I have to get moving in two hours. I could lay there for another 1 1/2 hours or I could get up and check my email. Serfing won!
Let’s hope caffeine can keep me going today.
~Charlotte
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June 5, 2008 at 4:51 am (Ramblings)
Tags: hopeful
I had a better day today. I actually accomplished a couple of things. Feels good. Felt good to want to do them. Felt good to do them. Feels good to have done them.
Let’s hope I can continue an upward trend.
I had an interesting experience this evening. Went to a meeting I haven’t attended in awhile. Talked to an acquaintance there. She had NO IDEA anything we’ve been going through. Don’t know if it’s good that there’s not gossip. Or bad because they just don’t care enough to mention our situation. More things to ponder.
In the meantime, I am having moments of hopefulness about the future. And today is a special day because it’s 13 years since my husband first asked me out.
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June 3, 2008 at 9:15 pm (Ramblings)
Tags: regrets
I have regrets.
They’re futile regrets, because I actually had no control.
Can you regret something you couldn’t control? Can you regret the actions of others?
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May 22, 2008 at 7:44 pm (Ramblings)
Tags: crap storm, depression, Pampers
I have so much to blog, it’s going to be hard to catch up! Most recently, I had a house dropped on my head. Now, that does NOT imply that I am a witch. It does imply that a very large issue for which I had no preparation was dropped on us from out of nowhere.
Oddly, it has been rather invigorating. No, invigorating is the wrong word. It’s like the shock of it all has jolted me. I would have said it was like being hit by lightning, except it’s still on top of me! (And not in a fun way.)
I will say that each day I have thought of important reasons to live. Sometimes, the thought that got me through the day was, on the surface, rather silly. “N doesn’t know what brands we use. If I were dead, he’d buy the wrong stuff. The baby’s diapers would leak, because he can never remember we use Pampers.”
In reality, the supposedly silly reasons were simply reminders that I WANT to be here. I am just really tired of the crap storm!
Hopefully, Charlotte
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