I have been thinking about parents today. Mine. My friends’. Me.
Every generation seeks to give their kids a better life than they had. Right? That’s how it’s supposed to go. Course corrections. The problem is — we don’t see the problem when it’s occurring. It is discovered as the ripples flow through an adult’s life. It is discovered when that adult has to go to therapy to talk about the impact of all those ripples!
Someone once told me that their childhood had no bearing on their life. They honestly believed that the past was the past. But if the ripples are still present, the problem is not in the past — it’s very much part of today.
So the question is two-fold:
First, how do we identify apart from our parents? How do we separate ourselves from how they see themselves and how they see us?
Second, knowing that to some extent we are going to screw up, because we are human, how do we minimize the nasty ripples we will send into our children’s futures?
I’ve been thinking much this evening of my dear friend friend with her commitment and self-esteem issues. (It’s always easier to be objective about pain that isn’t directly yours, as awful as it may be.) I don’t doubt her parents love her. But I can draw direct lines to her issues with herself and the issues her parents “rippled” into her life from their own. How can a woman embrace her beauty when she sees her beautiful mother unable to embrace her own beauty? How can a woman feel confident when she hears the constant self-recrimination of her very accomplished mother? If your hero isn’t good enough, how can you ever be? Right?? And if the man who primed you for all men can’t stay true how can you trust that any man will be true to you?
I will have to explore my own issues with parents soon. As soon as I can touch that painful place in my heart. Because I do understand not living up to very accomplished parents. And though my dad is as faithful as they come, he has always shied away from affection with his daughters.
I honestly don’t know if I closed my eyes to these issues until now because I didn’t think it was worth the hurt of working through them — or that now, having my own children, I have to get healthy for them. I guess getting healthy for myself wasn’t enough. … And that’s a whole other issue.
Respectfully,
Charlotte
