There are sometimes when I have absolutely nothing on my mind to talk about when I have to go see my doctor. Last time I honestly thought I was wasting my time going because I had nothing on my mind to talk about…crazy huh? It is weird when I go from racing thoughts to having nothing…no thought, not voices, no NOTHING! I mean I guess I can talk about the fact that I am able to have children but I don’t think I will ever get there unless I win the lotto, cut out the frellin fat, and then pick a donor. I don’t see me in a relationship that involves sex. Half of me is revolted by the thought and then sometimes my “manic” eps make sex a forced thought. It is almost like I am two different people. I guess maybe I can talk about my utter frustration at work or how much I absolutely hate myself…I am almost back to my highest weight EVER. I am disgusting. I could say that it is the serequel…my hope is that I am actually blocked up and that is why I went from 200 up to 224 in the last few months…I won’t even know that until I see my gastrologist on Tuesday to hopefully set up a colonscopy. Did I tell you that I hate myself right now…I don’t feel sorry for myself…I just hate who I am and what I look like.
So any ideas what to talk about? Okay so I have already mentioned the loathing of my self…what about my frustration at work…or what about finding out why I am so fraked up. I mean when I am going to get to the real gritty stuff? Like why don’t I like to be touched? I mean I could go back to junior high when the “guys” thought it was cool to put their hands down my shirt and I really could not do anything about it. Or how when I was in a relationship that I thought sex and heavy petting equaled love. What the hell was I thinking? I was by no mean a Loose gal but I did let them control me. Am i really that weak or was I just trying to feel? I know that my doctor really wants me to work on “relationships”…to get out there…but again I can’t stand myself. Now people think that I do this on purpose but I don’t. I don’t know why I am here. Well I guess I need to talk about that then…huh?
Kendall
