I am not a completely morose gal. I have my moments of brief joy but most of them of late are from my hyper manic dance. And to make it worse I might be losing my best friend due to the piling of crap that keeps raining on her. I don’t want her to move…what the hell will I do…selfish huh? I seem to want to put that in a looked space in my warped mind and claim it was just a nightmare when she told me she might be moving. How loud do I have to be for God to hear me and help her? My lifeline: damn it!
How bad do these seasons really have to be? I know that they serve a purpose and that it won’t be revealed right away but come the frak on!
So today is the day before my “procedure” that will possibly help me out but on the other end of this is the possibility that I will hear that I am unable to bear children which will devastate me but I also know that I won’t be doing the deed to get one either. It is a double edge sword—I don’t believe I will ever be in a relationship with a man and I am okay with that. Sometimes it makes me sad but I don’t trust anyone and I also dislike myself and that is not a good place to be in for a relationship. And then there is the “deed”…I am not the keen on it. Though I will admit that I have dreamt about…and honestly that makes me feel all kinds of dirty. But for the last five days that thought has been bugging the H E double hockey sticks out of me.
On a side note…please just shoot me…what the hell is going on at work. I can’t win to save your life. First it is the fact that the phone only takes 10 minutes if that to learn and I keep getting asked if this person will have enough training on the phone before I leave today…do they think I am retard or that this person is? And then second I get blamed for not getting enough pizza for 15 people—so it is my fault that people feel entitled to more than one piece before every one get a single piece. I mean holy hell I can’t get anything right. And do I get a thank for ordering the fricking pizzas—NO! Instead I get a “well next time”
I am trying to remember to be positive but it so easy for me to be dumbfounded by the stupidity in this world. I have been keeping a lot of stuff in and I need to find away to deflate both physically and mentally soon! I don’t know how much more of this I can take.
