n’ it though?

What have I been tempted to do?  Well take more than one pain pill, think about sex, lie, deny, and even die.  Not that I am suicidal at the moment.  I have to wonder at how some people can be so sheltered that that just mentioning having thoughts of going to sleep forever as some weakness, some evil, something only in your head.  Well guess what, that is where I reside…in my head.  I am so stuffed with whatever lies, pain, and abuse that I can only hear the voices inside my head…even the ones that are so muffled and tell me to give up.  And yet there are people who will line up to say that it is not who I am or that I am possessed…WTF?  Like I told Charlette, you can’t believe the lie but that is so much easier said than done…especially when the sky is pouring nothin but more bricks down on your head.  I have been there…stuck in a ball not wanting to be seen or really see.  I have been locked inside my house not wanting to face anything.  I have even been to visit the hospital in a small room that I had to share with someone else for awhile.  I have said since I was in junior high that one day they would put me away…I did not know why I felt like that truly for a long time…it was also at this time that my counsler told me Every Thing Was My Fault…I kid you not. 

So I have made some really stupid moves in the last few days and I won’t tell anyone what they were but instead I am going to throw out things that have tempted me…things that seem often taboo or not right.  I feel like telling someone to shut the hell up because I am not like them,  I feel like beating the crap out of a wall, I feel like starving my fat self until there is nothing left, I feel like crying because I can’t feel, and I feel like telling my wanted truth.  What would be my last ever temptation? 

That is like asking for me to finish a story…I fall prey to my temptations alot…hell I have not made much progress in that regard and it sure as hell does not help when I am manic and have those “crazy” urges…it is almost comical to see my doctor’s face when she asks me if I am having sex…people are more “loose” when they feel invinsible but thanks to my utter dislike of myself I will never have that problem unless I get hooked on pills which would mean that all else has failed and I don’t have that voice inside my head that is telling me DONT BELIEVE THE LIE. 

And one more thing…I am having a minor procedure done next week…one that will let my doctor see my uterus (she likened this procedure to a video game) and scrape out the bits inside…and NO this is not an abortion…this is a hysterscopy…but what really scares me is that when i wake up she will tell me that I can’t have kids…not like I will get married or win the lotto so I can pick my babies daddy without the deed. 

yours,

Kendall

I will leave you with a quote that has been with me all week.

“The last temptation is the greatest treason: To do the right deed for the wrong reason”  T.S. Elloit