So last time I gave a real update was when I had a counseling appointment scheduled. That didn’t go so well.
The counselor was a nice lady. Completely incompetent, but nice. She spent more time making sure she had everything spelled correctly than in really hearing me. I was finally brave enough to admit I’d been having suicidal thoughts. She totally me I needed to take 3 walks a week. I responded that some days it was just hard to get out of bed. Then she said I need to act ‘as if’ everything was fine, until it was again. God’s honest truth, the example she used of making yourself was when she has to pee in the middle of the night. She said, “I don’t want to get out of bed to pee, but I know I’m just going to be more uncomfortable the longer I wait.” Okay — my killing myself is the same as her wetting the bed. Super.
I got out of the appointment and fell apart. I did one smart thing — I called people. I called my nurse practitioner, I called my midwife (who was keeping in touch about my postpartum issues), and my sister. They immediately went into action to help me. And then my close friends became involved and just KEPT CHECKING ON ME. There were moments when my lifeline was knowing that someone cared enough to keep calling.
I have a ways to go. But being able to talk about the Dark Monster makes it not so awful, not so scary. Some people don’t understand and that is hard. I just keep listening to my precious friend’s voice: DON’T BELIEVE THE LIES.
We are playing with my medication and eventually (!) I’m going to get to see a counselor for some consistent, non make-it-worse sessions. And it really will get better. I think. (Everytime I think it can’t get worse…wow.)
In my readings, I came across the statement that depression is the chemically-caused inability to believe in a better future. That’s pretty much true. So I’m trying to focus on right now. What can I do to deal with today? Some things I’m doing are positive — spending time cuddled with my husband, playing with my children, contributing to this blog. Other things are NOT positive — eating chocolate like they’re about to pull it from the market, watching t.v. all day, curled up in a ball in my dark bedroom. I’m gaining weight at a ridiculous pace. (I’m going to be a translucent post-candy Veruca soon.)
I wanted to move forward, making plans to create a better future. Right now, all I can do is hold onto today with both desperate paws. It doesn’t make me like myself very much, but it keeps me alive long enough to somehow hope that I will hope again.
