May 28, 2008 at 6:52 pm (Uncategorized)
Please hear me, fellow co-worker… I really like you. You’re sweet, helpful, and fun to be around. But please don’t make personal phone calls while I’m helping to cover some of your duties. My time is precious at work these days and your 30 minute phone call just cost me 3-4 projects that I could have been working on.
Thank you.
Jace
May 28, 2008 at 3:36 am (Uncategorized)
Tags: failure, fear, kidneys, stepmom
So my there is this woman who is like a second mother to me (one that is a total opposite of my mom) and she finally returned one of my calls today to tell me that last month her kidneys went out! WTF. And I am just hearing about this now?! I know I suck at keeping in contact with people when it comes to talking to them once I get off of work…I mean I answer the phones all damn day long at work so I don’t really want to be on one when I get home. Okay so here is my fear…that she will die and I won’t be told or that she dies and I have not gone out to see her before. I could book a flight and show up at her house on Saturday but I don’t want to intrude since she is really tired…ie weak right now. I honestly don’t know what I would do if something bad happened to her…not that her kidneys going out wasn’t bad enough. I was so hoping she would have been approved for a transplant…and I was supposed to hear from her on that like in December…and yet I am just now hearing from her.
She lets me be me and talks to me straight while actually listening to me. My grandmother once accused me of loving her more than my mom…which is so not true. It is just with her that I can be me…screwed up, schitzophrenic me. I honestly on count five people as my family and she is the fifth.
I am sitting here on the brink of tears. Damn it.
Kendall
May 25, 2008 at 4:21 am (Uncategorized)
Tags: chocolate, counseling, depression, hope, post partum, postpartum
So last time I gave a real update was when I had a counseling appointment scheduled. That didn’t go so well.
The counselor was a nice lady. Completely incompetent, but nice. She spent more time making sure she had everything spelled correctly than in really hearing me. I was finally brave enough to admit I’d been having suicidal thoughts. She totally me I needed to take 3 walks a week. I responded that some days it was just hard to get out of bed. Then she said I need to act ‘as if’ everything was fine, until it was again. God’s honest truth, the example she used of making yourself was when she has to pee in the middle of the night. She said, “I don’t want to get out of bed to pee, but I know I’m just going to be more uncomfortable the longer I wait.” Okay — my killing myself is the same as her wetting the bed. Super.
I got out of the appointment and fell apart. I did one smart thing — I called people. I called my nurse practitioner, I called my midwife (who was keeping in touch about my postpartum issues), and my sister. They immediately went into action to help me. And then my close friends became involved and just KEPT CHECKING ON ME. There were moments when my lifeline was knowing that someone cared enough to keep calling.
I have a ways to go. But being able to talk about the Dark Monster makes it not so awful, not so scary. Some people don’t understand and that is hard. I just keep listening to my precious friend’s voice: DON’T BELIEVE THE LIES.
We are playing with my medication and eventually (!) I’m going to get to see a counselor for some consistent, non make-it-worse sessions. And it really will get better. I think. (Everytime I think it can’t get worse…wow.)
In my readings, I came across the statement that depression is the chemically-caused inability to believe in a better future. That’s pretty much true. So I’m trying to focus on right now. What can I do to deal with today? Some things I’m doing are positive — spending time cuddled with my husband, playing with my children, contributing to this blog. Other things are NOT positive — eating chocolate like they’re about to pull it from the market, watching t.v. all day, curled up in a ball in my dark bedroom. I’m gaining weight at a ridiculous pace. (I’m going to be a translucent post-candy Veruca soon.)
I wanted to move forward, making plans to create a better future. Right now, all I can do is hold onto today with both desperate paws. It doesn’t make me like myself very much, but it keeps me alive long enough to somehow hope that I will hope again.
May 24, 2008 at 1:19 am (Uncategorized)
Tags: questioning
Okay so when did this year start going so, hhhmmm what the right word, frellin upside down?! I know that old saying about “God not giving you more than you can handle” but at some point I have to ask him “what the hell looks like enough for you?” My dearest friend keeps getting shat on with one thing after the other. My family can’t seem to want to understand, learn, or listen about what is going on with me…I mean hypermanic can easily go into manicdepression with a snap of my fat little fingers…hey isn’t that an oxymoron?
So the sky is cloudy and the rain is falling here in the beautiful crappy neighborhood we live in.
Well I am going to go and sit in a dark room as flowers are projected onto a wall around me…oh wait that is only happening in my head…escapism can have its benefits you know.
May 22, 2008 at 7:44 pm (Ramblings)
Tags: crap storm, depression, Pampers
I have so much to blog, it’s going to be hard to catch up! Most recently, I had a house dropped on my head. Now, that does NOT imply that I am a witch. It does imply that a very large issue for which I had no preparation was dropped on us from out of nowhere.
Oddly, it has been rather invigorating. No, invigorating is the wrong word. It’s like the shock of it all has jolted me. I would have said it was like being hit by lightning, except it’s still on top of me! (And not in a fun way.)
I will say that each day I have thought of important reasons to live. Sometimes, the thought that got me through the day was, on the surface, rather silly. “N doesn’t know what brands we use. If I were dead, he’d buy the wrong stuff. The baby’s diapers would leak, because he can never remember we use Pampers.”
In reality, the supposedly silly reasons were simply reminders that I WANT to be here. I am just really tired of the crap storm!
Hopefully, Charlotte
May 21, 2008 at 4:17 pm (Uncategorized)
Make way for the dramatics!
It’s going to be a loooooooooong day…
*sigh*
May 15, 2008 at 3:29 am (Uncategorized)
Tags: bipolar, family, hell, manic, wtf
Okay I understand that I am a complete fuckup and that I will never amount to a damn thing but I am sick and tired of hearing about my screw ups and that people are more worried that I hear them then actually hearing me. I am hate being told to calm down…half the time I hear that I want to pound my fist into a wall or bitch slap the person who says that. I am so done with tryin to get my family to hear me. It is such a waste and I am tired of feeling so alone. It hurts that they just don’t get it…they don’t even frickin try…it is all about they know everything and they are always fucking right. My mom told me tonight she knew I was manic last year but felt it more important for her to show that she was supporting me…if she really knew then that means she watched as I sat on the self destruction button. I think what she said is full of shite! She believes that I will always be unable to be an adult. Well welcome to the frelling club. But you know what…there is something deep down…a voice that is shouting out that I can be on my own…that I will get thru this, pay off my mom, and just maybe succeed at life FINALLY. I feel like I just got stabbed in the chest. I feel like anytime I try to say please stop telling me that I am a fuckup that I am just banging my head against a spiked brick wall. Well to hell with it all. I am giving up…maybe tomorrow I won’t feel like such a slug that people want to watch disolve with salt. Fuckin hell
Kendall
May 15, 2008 at 2:56 am (Uncategorized)
Tags: Envy, jealousy, numb, skills
So when I read online today that Angelina is having twins…the words “that bitch” came to mind and mouth. I am so jealous…not that she is having Pitt’s baby because personally I think there are far finer men out there but because she is having kids. I want kids…I know that I will never have them…okay maybe I should say that I don’t think I will ever have them and that kills me. I mean right now I can’t really take care of myself. My doctor wants me to work on my social skills…to which I retorted “what skills?” I am much more comfortable watching from the corner. It is more fun to see people react to each other and study their body language to see how they hide things.
As for work…I ain’t doing anything…my focus is so easily shifted. I would say that I am looking for escapism but I think some of it is the thrill of maybe getting caught…not that I want to lose my job…it is like I see myself doing something wrong but I am so damn numb I don’t fight it.
Kendall
May 14, 2008 at 3:38 am (Uncategorized)
Tags: debt, dosage, lamitical, manic, mind
So the last time I was on I mentioned the manic storm that I felt was coming…well it hit and I am trying to get out of it less scathed then last time. I mean 18,000 in debt is bad, right? Yes, I know it is bad…real bad. Thankfully my mother is helping me out. Yes, I know that I am 32 but if I did not have my core family I would be in a hospital somewhere along side the blonde girl who decides to stare at me in my cot the whole damn day long. So my doctor has added Lamitcal to my regiment. And the “great” news is that the damn dosage is increasing every week. So welcome the extra frellin pounds that continue to park on my stomach! I have been trying to focus on others…avoidance maybe but it is better than focusing on the rapid fire crap going thru my mind at 3000 miles per hour. Well I am going to go to bed…trying to get 8 hours of sleep.
Love Kendall
May 9, 2008 at 7:07 pm (Ramblings)
Tags: death, suicidal, suicide, truth
In the midst of the crap storm, what is Truth? What do I choose to believe despite how I feel?
Truth…There are people who love me and WANT me to stick around.
Truth…My children will be less screwed up if I’m around to screw them up personally than if I were gone.
Truth…Suicidal thoughts are NOT a desire for death, but a desire for the cessation of pain. Somehow, at some point, the pain will abate.
Truth…This too shall pass.
Everything else must wait. My ears must be closed to all else but these, My Truths.
+Charlotte+
