n’ it though?

From Kendall-

So today I woke up drained and unable to really get my ass out of my twin bed.  I know, you see twin bed and go “aren’t you thirty something?”  It was free and it was a pillow top mattress.  Getting up this morning sucked…it has been really sucking lately.  It is not that I don’t get enough sleep, well I at least get 6 hours lately, it is just that my body does not want to get going.  I could say it is the dread of work but I know it is something else. 

So once I drag my fat ass out of bed then I am faced with the whole “do I grow my bangs out or not” question and this morning I was looking for the scissors…okay I did not find them but I can tell I am getting to the point where I want to damage myself/bangs just to do something to myself.  That may sound dire but it isn’t…I tend to punish myself by being destructive to my hair…it lets me be someone else for a moment however brief…I will say that if I dye my hair black then you will know that I have started on a slide towards the manic depression stage that I tend to jump into every now and then.  Don’t ask me what trying to go blonde signals…I am not sure yet. 

I am hearing conversations though, distant voices, like part of me is somewhere else in time.  Crazy sounding, huh?  Matter of fact, my regular doc asks me all the time if I am still hearing voices and I say “always” but it is when I tell him that I can understand them that I can see his brow crease in concern.  Of course I think that some things I hear are really real and are part of the spiritual battle that I believe goes on around us everyday.  I am an oddity in more ways than having bipolar.  I think that my faith has really helped me when those voices, the ones that say JUMP or go to sleep forever, are really loud…it is then when I can hear a clear voice that speaks the TRUTH.  I know that is what has kept me here. 

I will admit sometimes I think it would be better for me if I was to go back into the hospital, safer, but even when I was there, I had battles.  I am not antisocial…I am just not social.  I don’t have trust issues…I just don’t trust.  I don’t imagine things…I see them. 

Oops…see I did it again…got off track…been one of those days.  I really dwaddled at work today…not much to do…well honestly the thing that I could be doing I don’t want to do cause it is a waste of time but then again I wasted my time doing stuff I shouldn’t be doing at work.

Speaking of work…I have a review coming up and I am a little frightened…I am frightened that if I get blindsided again that my anger, the stuff that seethes in the depths of my stomach, might boil to the top and I might just quit out right.  See there are things I can tell the six people (the ones who I can be mostly honest with) and then there are things I don’t even tell my doctor…I am working on the whole anger thing.  I have made a lot of improvement in the past year with regards to my Gutteral reactions that I tend to have towards my family.  It can truly be a volital place to be in.  No one forgets anything that I have done and that tends to prompt a vile response from me and around we go.  I don’t even think that my family has noticed the progress I have made…and it hurts.   With my sister, if she says something that pisses me off or hurts me, I really do try not to react right away…and this sometimes ticks her off because to her I shut down…that isn’t what is really happening but to voice what is going on is a real struggle for me.  Remember verbal labrynith.  With my mom it is just easier to let her yell and ignore EVERYTHING.  Both her and my dad have the need to be right.  I hurt more than you or I am the parent…well these days, it seems to be parent swap. 

I love my family. 

Today I am just double minded.