I am a failure
And a disappointment
I live up to no ones expectations
Least of all my own
I am a lousy wife
And a terrible mom
I am tired
So tired
of climbing the waves
But who will care for my children if I drown?
Note to Charlotte
April 24, 2008 at 2:52 pm (Uncategorized)
Dear Charlotte,
I know that you don’t want to hear from me right now…maybe not for a long time but there is something that I am supposed to tell you…that I need to tell you. I need you to hear this… DO NOT BELIEVE THE LIE. This coming straight from above. If you hear anything please hear that…it is that very distant voice in all the darkness that you are in. I am not going to belittle you with words that don’t help you right now. I will ask one thing though…if it gets much worse, please go to the ER. Jace and I are praying for you and we are here if you need to tell us stuff you can’t say outloud to others.
Love,
Kendall
Visit with the Shrink – tomorrow
April 23, 2008 at 6:43 am (Ramblings)
Tags: cynical, depression, fear, hospital, shame, shrink
Charlotte here:
I have my first shrink appointment tomorrow. (At least, the first such appointment in almost seven years.) It’s possible they’ll send me over for a ‘vacation’ at the hospital. I hope not. Mostly. Part of me is scared of what will happen if they don’t. I have to dig out of this hole. I have fought and clawed my way up. I don’t know why I can’t climb anymore. Perhaps I’ve eroded the walls with my clawing. Or perhaps like the swimmer caught too far out, I just don’t have any energy left to fight.
Some things have finally started going right for us. But the 1 1/2 year onslaught has left me exhausted and somewhat cynical. I have seemingly ridiculous fears. But then, how ridiculous are they in the face of past experience?
I feel weak. My response to my own weakness has always been to fake strength until I could pull it off. Now that I can no longer fake it, I feel shame. Shame that I am as weak as I always feared I might be. Shame that I am as weak as someone once told me I was. I’ve wanted so badly to prove them wrong.
Damn genetics. Damn weakness. Damn depression. Damn loss of faith in myself.
I trust God. I don’t get Him, but I trust Him. I MUST believe He gets me – or it’s all lost.
Manic Storm
April 21, 2008 at 1:49 am (bipolar)
Tags: bipolar, manic, mind, storm
Ever feel like you know a storm is coming? Not a storm that you hear about but one you feel in your gut or one that makes the hairs on the back of your neck standup. It started last week for me as I missed two glorious nights of sleep. The fear of a manic storm is pumping throught my veins right now. There was some worry about work this past week and I was suprised by my boss on Friday. I twisted myself in knots the whole damn week and I think by closing time on Friday my body finally said enough. I woke up Saturday with a real sore throat (and I don’t get that a lot), my back has been spasming out, and one killer migriane later today and I frett that this is just the beginning. I don’t wish this on myself but I know my ups and downs and I feel as if my brain is just trying to figure out which way it wants to go.
I am way too sensitive right now. Seeking pleasure in the stupidest things. Eating way too much Haagen Daaz Chocalate Peanut Butter Ice Cream. Sitting on my arse for the whole day…now granted I am not feeling good but still. Did not do much at work on Friday…my mind shifted into overload and I temporary left my “body” and proceeded to wander in lala land until 5.
Tomorrow I have a doctor’s appt. And then on Wednesday I see my “head” doctor. That should be fun. Hopefully we can stop this storm that is coming. I can just feel it. Something about bipolar is wonderful…the fanciful dreams…the only problem is that I know those are the tip of the storm for me…now I just need to figure out if it is Hyper or Depressive.
Kendall
Lips, Not Eyes
April 19, 2008 at 12:09 am (Ramblings)
Tags: facade, hollow, scream, strength
How loud must I scream before someone hears me?
“Say cheese!” In response, I smile. How do they not see that the smile is hollow – lips, not eyes?
I work so hard to protect those in my care. When I falter, they balk. Strength is my job. My façade of strength allows them the façade of wholeness. If I have no needs, they have not failed in meeting my needs.
And one more to grow on
April 15, 2008 at 2:25 am (Uncategorized)
Tags: anger, fear, kids, pain
Kendall here-
So first thing Saturday morning, I wake up with one of my cat’s ass in my face. MEOW. Needless to say I tried to nudge him off the bed…and he dug his vampire claws into my arm and tugged…I don’t think my veins knew what to do with that dose of WTF.
So flash foward ten minutes and I am calling my mom, who was coming over to help clean the garage, to ask her to bring me an ace bandage (needed something to cover up the grizzly marks on my arm) and she spouts “Why don’t you just get rid of the cats.” Okay she says she was just joking but my gut reaction was to hang up on her, call her back, and tell her to shut the frack up. I am sick and tired of her crap about how they are just cats…they are my babies…they eat before I do…I don’t get why she can’t grasp that simple fact.
Flash foward to her arrival…”Why are you always whining? Why are you always complaining?” And all I did was open the frellin door. Okay so I had some real practice trying to control my anger. I finally gave up and walked back into the house. I guess Jace talked to her and before I knew it she had left without saying goodbye.
It is frustrating to have this constant need to defend myself, to keep my anger in check. I feel like I keep walking into a brick wall and DAMN IT ALL-IT HURTS.
On a side note-do you want to know what one of my biggest fears is? I am afraid that I will be unable to have children. I will be having a procedure done to check into why I am having some “womenly” problems and I am honestly afraid that my doctor will tell me that I am unable to have kids. Most of the time I can’t take care of myself. Why am I thinking about kids? I am mean I could pass this on to my kid…
I know that both my parents have some issues…I do question their mental states sometimes…each one blames the other for me having bipolar…”oh you got that from your mother” or “you must of got that from your father.”
Introduction from Third Geek
April 14, 2008 at 10:47 pm (Ramblings)
Tags: depressed, disability, disabled, paperwork, The Secret
Thought I should introduce myself before I blather on about all sorts of things.
My name is Charlotte. I am older than 25 (by more than 4 years). Married to ‘N’. Two precious young daughters, ‘R’ and ‘O.’
This is the part where I say I feel stupid and am not sure what to write. A million dialogues filter through my brain at 3:00 am when I am laying in bed praying to relax enough to sleep. Maybe later I’ll reconnect enough with myself to remember them.
As to how I fit on this particular blog – I am occasionally depressed and, lately, frequently anxious. There are moments when I function normally. Other moments when I hole up in my house and hope the phone doesn’t ring. Lately, I have avoided most gatherings. I don’t want to pretend, yet I feel I must.
My husband became disabled last fall. When we see friends, the most common response is, “Well, we’re just going to believe he’s going to wake up one morning completely healed.” I want to say, “Good for you! You’ve just made yourself feel better while completely absolving yourself of any need to provide emotional assistance. Because you BELIEVE he’s going to get better. How very The Secret of you.”
I’ve been living in a strangely real, real world. A world that combines caring for two precious little girls — with caring for my previously patient, physically able husband. A world that combines starting a home business with filling out reams of paperwork for disability. Do you know how discouraging it is to know that all that paperwork will automatically be rejected the first go-round?
I guess I found a little of that 3:00am angst.
Hounded
April 11, 2008 at 5:04 am (Uncategorized)
Tags: stupid
Jace here, answering the pleading of the ever-nudging sister down the hall to “blog already!”. With the day that I’ve had (well, ever since 2:45 pm rolled around), blogging has been the last thing on my mind. Sorry, but there it is.
*Sigh*
As I lay across my bed, fingers typing away on my laptop with a fresh movie re-playing in my head, I am lead to a question: Are people really that stupid? Ok, I’m positive that all who are reading this are wondering as to what context or situation lead to this ponder. Well, it’s something that I have to ask myself on a daily basis. One of life’s eternal questions, as it were. So, in all honesty, nothing really significant ever needs to happen in order for me to ask. However, several miniscle and yet, at the same time, pressing issues arose today (at work) that left me baffled at what I like to call “The Power of Stupid”. (Hmm, come to think of it, I might want to register that phrase as a trade mark.) Anyways, the details are unnecessary, but let’s just say that most people are just oblivious.
I’m thankful that tomorrow is Friday, but since Kendall and I need to clean the house and garage before the parentals come over on Saturday to do a proper cleaning of the garage, I’m having a tough time rejoicing. <Insert pathetic “whoot-whoot” here>
I’m going to bed.
