July 1, 2008 at 11:07 pm (Ramblings)
Tags: arguments, family, growth, M&Ms, money, parents, relationships
Around every corner are opportunities for growth. Dealing with relationships. Relationships. Relationships. Sometimes a single conversation changes the way you look at someone. Sometimes an event.
We got a call today that my father-in-law is ill. They don’t know if it’s cancer yet. But they know it’s not good. This man I’ve had few conversations with, this man who raised my husband, is a man I may wish I’d gotten to know…
I got into an argument with my dad this week. We don’t normally fight, so it was odd. He questioned my parenting abilities. I stood my ground. But it still affects how I feel about myself. After all, I am working through that place of seeing myself apart from how my parents see me. (If this came easy to you, congratulations. It hasn’t for me.)
And then there’s still the whole WE HAVE NO MONEY issue. Definitely an opportunity for growth!
The question: Will I find it within to take those growth steps — or will I curl up in a ball eating M&Ms in the dark?
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June 24, 2008 at 8:03 am (Ramblings)
Tags: accomplished, childhood, faithful, healthy, parents, ripples
I have been thinking about parents today. Mine. My friends’. Me.
Every generation seeks to give their kids a better life than they had. Right? That’s how it’s supposed to go. Course corrections. The problem is — we don’t see the problem when it’s occurring. It is discovered as the ripples flow through an adult’s life. It is discovered when that adult has to go to therapy to talk about the impact of all those ripples!
Someone once told me that their childhood had no bearing on their life. They honestly believed that the past was the past. But if the ripples are still present, the problem is not in the past — it’s very much part of today.
So the question is two-fold:
First, how do we identify apart from our parents? How do we separate ourselves from how they see themselves and how they see us?
Second, knowing that to some extent we are going to screw up, because we are human, how do we minimize the nasty ripples we will send into our children’s futures?
I’ve been thinking much this evening of my dear friend friend with her commitment and self-esteem issues. (It’s always easier to be objective about pain that isn’t directly yours, as awful as it may be.) I don’t doubt her parents love her. But I can draw direct lines to her issues with herself and the issues her parents “rippled” into her life from their own. How can a woman embrace her beauty when she sees her beautiful mother unable to embrace her own beauty? How can a woman feel confident when she hears the constant self-recrimination of her very accomplished mother? If your hero isn’t good enough, how can you ever be? Right?? And if the man who primed you for all men can’t stay true how can you trust that any man will be true to you?
I will have to explore my own issues with parents soon. As soon as I can touch that painful place in my heart. Because I do understand not living up to very accomplished parents. And though my dad is as faithful as they come, he has always shied away from affection with his daughters.
I honestly don’t know if I closed my eyes to these issues until now because I didn’t think it was worth the hurt of working through them — or that now, having my own children, I have to get healthy for them. I guess getting healthy for myself wasn’t enough. … And that’s a whole other issue.
Respectfully,
Charlotte
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June 24, 2008 at 12:57 am (Uncategorized)
Absolute-you can NEVER make people happy so stop yourself from hurling into that brick wall that hastily built in front of you. Today was a tough one as I sat in my doctor’s office and really tried to get at why I truly Hate myself. That in itself is hard to do let alone to do it in 45 minutes. I cried, I mumbled, I relived, and yet even though she said I was making sense to her…nothing she said really helped. Was I taken advantage of? Yes! Had I been wrongfully touched? Yes! Had I equated sex for love? Yes! Do I have trust issues? HELL YES! Have I ever like who I am? NO!
Then I get to work and slammed right into a wall…the wall of perpetual stupidity. I am never going to get this raise so my mind is starting to shut down. I could be working a lot harder but the digital readout in front of my eyes keeps repeating…things will never change….forget about it….
Needless to say after working a mere 5.75 hours I am completely wiped so I am going to lay my head down and try and get some sleep…to bad no one is here to apply pressure on that kinky point in my back.
Kendall
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June 22, 2008 at 7:28 pm (Uncategorized)
Tags: dislike, low self esteem, manic, racing thoughts, silence
There are sometimes when I have absolutely nothing on my mind to talk about when I have to go see my doctor. Last time I honestly thought I was wasting my time going because I had nothing on my mind to talk about…crazy huh? It is weird when I go from racing thoughts to having nothing…no thought, not voices, no NOTHING! I mean I guess I can talk about the fact that I am able to have children but I don’t think I will ever get there unless I win the lotto, cut out the frellin fat, and then pick a donor. I don’t see me in a relationship that involves sex. Half of me is revolted by the thought and then sometimes my “manic” eps make sex a forced thought. It is almost like I am two different people. I guess maybe I can talk about my utter frustration at work or how much I absolutely hate myself…I am almost back to my highest weight EVER. I am disgusting. I could say that it is the serequel…my hope is that I am actually blocked up and that is why I went from 200 up to 224 in the last few months…I won’t even know that until I see my gastrologist on Tuesday to hopefully set up a colonscopy. Did I tell you that I hate myself right now…I don’t feel sorry for myself…I just hate who I am and what I look like.
So any ideas what to talk about? Okay so I have already mentioned the loathing of my self…what about my frustration at work…or what about finding out why I am so fraked up. I mean when I am going to get to the real gritty stuff? Like why don’t I like to be touched? I mean I could go back to junior high when the “guys” thought it was cool to put their hands down my shirt and I really could not do anything about it. Or how when I was in a relationship that I thought sex and heavy petting equaled love. What the hell was I thinking? I was by no mean a Loose gal but I did let them control me. Am i really that weak or was I just trying to feel? I know that my doctor really wants me to work on “relationships”…to get out there…but again I can’t stand myself. Now people think that I do this on purpose but I don’t. I don’t know why I am here. Well I guess I need to talk about that then…huh?
Kendall
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June 20, 2008 at 6:14 am (Ramblings)
Tags: challenge, change, choices, happens
Life is made up of all our little choices. I heard once that all those little choices add up to who we are. One might argue that much of life happens to us. I must cede the point. However, how we respond is as vital to who we will become as is what becomes of us.
The challenge is exhausting and, possibly, exhilirating. Make the choices count.
Pondering These Things,
Charlotte
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June 20, 2008 at 2:02 am (Uncategorized)
Okay so I am home and out of the hospital. Let me tell you about my day yesterday. First I went to work at 5 am to try and get stuff done where I really did not get stuff done because people seem to not care if I get the necessary paperwork to do my job so from the get go I was pissed off. Flash foward to right before I am supposed to check in at the hospital and I walk by a car with a dog locked inside while the owner is frakin nowhere. I HATE people who do that. In my opinion those people should be shot, hung, and quarted…I know that sounds harsh but that is those are the images that comes to mind as I walk by those cars where people who supposedly love their animals keep them locked up in a car. I think that we should lock them up in a hot as hell glass box and then blast them with artic air and go back in forth between the extremes for four hours or more so maybe they can get what those poor animals feel like. Why can’t you just leave them at home? Seriously where are they heads? I don’t get it. And then I park the car in the garage at the hospital and again someone has left their poor dog locked in a car while they are fuck all! I honestly think these people need to get a clue. That is like leaving your child in a car while you go and frellin play on the swings. Selfish…that is what I think they are. Okay so off that rant and onto the surgery. I can now tell you I know what it is like to have your uterus scrapped out…I don’t know how someone can go and get an abortion…I am not faulting those who have one…I just don’t agree with the idea. The good news out of all this is that my doctor has said that I can carry a child. I started crying when my mom told me that…my sister asked the doctor for me. But like I said in my last post…the only way I see me having a child is via a donation. I just don’t see me ever in a relationship. Well back to the surgery…they started with heavy sedation but I guess my body did not think that was enough so low and behold I wake up with a sore throat. What the hell…well then I hear that they did have to stick a tube down my throat and really put me under. And I can tell you today that my thoat is hurting and if I talk to much it seems to swell shut. And now I am sitting in bed trying not to move because my uterus, cervis, and vajjay feel really uncomfortable. So my hystersocopy is over and done with…they cut out a polyp and now I have to wait for two weeks to find out if anything else was wrong with the stuff inside my uterus. Well next week I am off to see my “head” doctor and then the next day I am off to the gastrologist…meaning I will be setting up an appointment for a colonoscopy…fun huh. Well now that I have had my rant I am going to go and take another pill (really not trying to get hooked on this stuff) and going to try and sleep
Kendall
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June 17, 2008 at 6:54 pm (Uncategorized)
Tags: angry, fear, moving, work
I am not a completely morose gal. I have my moments of brief joy but most of them of late are from my hyper manic dance. And to make it worse I might be losing my best friend due to the piling of crap that keeps raining on her. I don’t want her to move…what the hell will I do…selfish huh? I seem to want to put that in a looked space in my warped mind and claim it was just a nightmare when she told me she might be moving. How loud do I have to be for God to hear me and help her? My lifeline: damn it!
How bad do these seasons really have to be? I know that they serve a purpose and that it won’t be revealed right away but come the frak on!
So today is the day before my “procedure” that will possibly help me out but on the other end of this is the possibility that I will hear that I am unable to bear children which will devastate me but I also know that I won’t be doing the deed to get one either. It is a double edge sword—I don’t believe I will ever be in a relationship with a man and I am okay with that. Sometimes it makes me sad but I don’t trust anyone and I also dislike myself and that is not a good place to be in for a relationship. And then there is the “deed”…I am not the keen on it. Though I will admit that I have dreamt about…and honestly that makes me feel all kinds of dirty. But for the last five days that thought has been bugging the H E double hockey sticks out of me.
On a side note…please just shoot me…what the hell is going on at work. I can’t win to save your life. First it is the fact that the phone only takes 10 minutes if that to learn and I keep getting asked if this person will have enough training on the phone before I leave today…do they think I am retard or that this person is? And then second I get blamed for not getting enough pizza for 15 people—so it is my fault that people feel entitled to more than one piece before every one get a single piece. I mean holy hell I can’t get anything right. And do I get a thank for ordering the fricking pizzas—NO! Instead I get a “well next time”
I am trying to remember to be positive but it so easy for me to be dumbfounded by the stupidity in this world. I have been keeping a lot of stuff in and I need to find away to deflate both physically and mentally soon! I don’t know how much more of this I can take.
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June 15, 2008 at 4:02 am (Ramblings)
Tags: dysfunction, family crap, family dynamics, family life, living arrangements, living with parents, pride
I pose this question: Are all families disfunctional? Or have we labeled something that is simply a normal part of family life dysfunction?
After all, if we went through the crap our families put us through with anyone else, we’d likely walk away. But that is the pain and the reassurance that is family: You’re stuck with them!
I was reminded of this today as I dealt with an issue I’ve worked hard to ignore. T and I have gone over our finances again and again. It boils down to this humiliating fact: We can move in with his parents or mine. My family lives much closer. (Like, 1700 miles closer.) So I sucked it up and called to ask. The response. 1-”We already have someone living with us.” (So they would choose that person over us?) 2-”Have you explored your options?” (No, I truly craved the final ultimate humiliation of moving my family in with my parents at age 31.) 3-”Don’t do anything hasty.” (T and I have been struggling with these issues for nine months. Things have intensified recently, but the issues are not new. Nine months is not exactly hasty.)
So in plain English, my parents DON’T want us moving in with them for any amount of time. It is, of course, their prerogative as to whom they help support. But I have to admit a simple, “That won’t work for us,” would have been less unpleasant. Then we could have avoided the painful lobbing of excuses. What it boils down to (in my mind, anyway) is that they are DONE having kids. They love their grandkids; enjoy their visits; happy to wave goodbye at the end of the week.
Pride. Family dynamics. Screwy games of ‘Don’t tell mom I said this, but…” “Don’t tell your sister I said this, but…” “Don’t say anything to dad, but…” It’s exhausting and only occasionally fun.
I feel a little better since writing this out. But the issue still stands that, barring a miracle, the next conversation is with the in-laws. Yup. 2,000 miles away. With all the baggage in-laws bring. And T would agree with me that his family dynamics are WAY wackier than mine.
Respectfully, Charlotte
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June 14, 2008 at 3:21 am (Ramblings)
Tags: broke, light bulb, salmonella, sick, tired
I’ve been told that in times of stress, you must ‘let go.’ It should have been more specific advice.
‘Cause I’ve let go. Of cooking. And cleaning. For awhile I even let go of hygiene. (Thank God, that’s getting better. Bunny trail: I’m still only shaving my legs about once a month, but there are other factors involved there. I like shaving my legs when I can be alone. And I am NEVER alone.)
R has been sick for five days. They are testing her for salmonella. I’m thinking it may just be a really bad virus, as O threw up tonight for the first time.
I have had to change clothes three times today, due to an influx of vomit onto said articles. Can I just say there are few things in life as grouse as feeling puke penetrate your shirt and drip, drip down between your breasts?
I didn’t get to go to the family reunion this weekend. Missed out on MY birthday cake!
Don’t get me wrong. I adore my kids and it breaks my heart that they’re sick. But I am worn out.
And I’m still trying to figure out how we are going to support 4 people on practically nothing. Moving in with family creates all kinds of new problems.
I keep praying for that light bulb to turn on. In the meantime, it’s pretty dim in this tired brain.
Charlotte
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June 13, 2008 at 5:46 am (Uncategorized)
Tags: bipolar, crazy, hysterscopy, manic, questioning, temptation
What have I been tempted to do? Well take more than one pain pill, think about sex, lie, deny, and even die. Not that I am suicidal at the moment. I have to wonder at how some people can be so sheltered that that just mentioning having thoughts of going to sleep forever as some weakness, some evil, something only in your head. Well guess what, that is where I reside…in my head. I am so stuffed with whatever lies, pain, and abuse that I can only hear the voices inside my head…even the ones that are so muffled and tell me to give up. And yet there are people who will line up to say that it is not who I am or that I am possessed…WTF? Like I told Charlette, you can’t believe the lie but that is so much easier said than done…especially when the sky is pouring nothin but more bricks down on your head. I have been there…stuck in a ball not wanting to be seen or really see. I have been locked inside my house not wanting to face anything. I have even been to visit the hospital in a small room that I had to share with someone else for awhile. I have said since I was in junior high that one day they would put me away…I did not know why I felt like that truly for a long time…it was also at this time that my counsler told me Every Thing Was My Fault…I kid you not.
So I have made some really stupid moves in the last few days and I won’t tell anyone what they were but instead I am going to throw out things that have tempted me…things that seem often taboo or not right. I feel like telling someone to shut the hell up because I am not like them, I feel like beating the crap out of a wall, I feel like starving my fat self until there is nothing left, I feel like crying because I can’t feel, and I feel like telling my wanted truth. What would be my last ever temptation?
That is like asking for me to finish a story…I fall prey to my temptations alot…hell I have not made much progress in that regard and it sure as hell does not help when I am manic and have those “crazy” urges…it is almost comical to see my doctor’s face when she asks me if I am having sex…people are more “loose” when they feel invinsible but thanks to my utter dislike of myself I will never have that problem unless I get hooked on pills which would mean that all else has failed and I don’t have that voice inside my head that is telling me DONT BELIEVE THE LIE.
And one more thing…I am having a minor procedure done next week…one that will let my doctor see my uterus (she likened this procedure to a video game) and scrape out the bits inside…and NO this is not an abortion…this is a hysterscopy…but what really scares me is that when i wake up she will tell me that I can’t have kids…not like I will get married or win the lotto so I can pick my babies daddy without the deed.
yours,
Kendall
I will leave you with a quote that has been with me all week.
“The last temptation is the greatest treason: To do the right deed for the wrong reason” T.S. Elloit
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