n’ it though?

Okay I understand that I am a complete fuckup and that I will never amount to a damn thing but I am sick and tired of hearing about my screw ups and that people are more worried that I hear them then actually hearing me.  I am hate being told to calm down…half the time I hear that I want to pound my fist into a wall or bitch slap the person who says that.  I am so done with tryin to get my family to hear me.  It is such a waste and I am tired of feeling so alone.  It hurts that they just don’t get it…they don’t even frickin try…it is all about they know everything and they are always fucking right.  My mom told me tonight she knew I was manic last year but felt it more important for her to show that she was supporting me…if she really knew then that means she watched as I sat on the self destruction button.  I think what she said is full of shite!  She believes that I will always be unable to be an adult.  Well welcome to the frelling club.  But you know what…there is something deep down…a voice that is shouting out that I can be on my own…that I will get thru this, pay off my mom, and just maybe succeed at life FINALLY.  I feel like I just got stabbed in the chest.  I feel like anytime I try to say please stop telling me that I am a fuckup that I am just banging my head against a spiked brick wall.  Well to hell with it all.  I am giving up…maybe tomorrow I won’t feel like such a slug that people want to watch disolve with salt.  Fuckin hell

Kendall

So when I read online today that Angelina is having twins…the words “that bitch” came to mind and mouth.  I am so jealous…not that she is having Pitt’s baby because personally I think there are far finer men out there but because she is having kids.  I want kids…I know that I will never have them…okay maybe I should say that I don’t think I will ever have them and that kills me.  I mean right now I can’t really take care of myself.  My doctor wants me to work on my social skills…to which I retorted “what skills?”  I am much more comfortable watching from the corner.  It is more fun to see people react to each other and study their body language to see how they hide things.  

As for work…I ain’t doing anything…my focus is so easily shifted.  I would say that I am looking for escapism but I think some of it is the thrill of maybe getting caught…not that I want to lose my job…it is like I see myself doing something wrong but I am so damn numb I don’t fight it. 

Kendall

So the last time I was on I mentioned the manic storm that I felt was coming…well it hit and I am trying to get out of it less scathed then last time.  I mean 18,000 in debt is bad, right?  Yes, I know it is bad…real bad.   Thankfully my mother is helping me out.  Yes, I know that I am 32 but if I did not have my core family I would be in a hospital somewhere along side the blonde girl who decides to stare at me in my cot the whole damn day long.  So my doctor has added Lamitcal to my regiment.  And the “great” news is that the damn dosage is increasing every week.  So welcome the extra frellin pounds that continue to park on my stomach!  I have been trying to focus on others…avoidance maybe but it is better than focusing on the rapid fire crap going thru my mind at 3000 miles per hour.  Well I am going to go to bed…trying to get 8 hours of sleep. 

Love Kendall

In the midst of the crap storm, what is Truth?  What do I choose to believe despite how I feel?

Truth…There are people who love me and WANT me to stick around.

Truth…My children will be less screwed up if I’m around to screw them up personally than if I were gone.

Truth…Suicidal thoughts are NOT a desire for death, but a desire for the cessation of pain.  Somehow, at some point, the pain will abate.

Truth…This too shall pass.

Everything else must wait.  My ears must be closed to all else but these, My Truths.

+Charlotte+

I love my job, I love my job, I love my job, I love my job, I love my job, I love my job, I love my job, I love my job, I love my job, I love my job, I love my job, I love my job, I love my job, I love my job…

BUT…

Today is starting to suck.  Two coworkers out sick, their job duties added to mine, 33+ projects to do, 2 HOT projects due today and tomorrow morning (not started one yet), and the announcement that one of my team is transferring to a different department in 2 weeks… 

I am slowly becoming a very, VERY unhappy camper.

I am a failure

And a disappointment

I live up to no ones expectations

Least of all my own

I am a lousy wife

And a terrible mom

I am tired

So tired

of climbing the waves

But who will care for my children if I drown?

Dear Charlotte,

I know that you don’t want to hear from me right now…maybe not for a long time but there is something that I am supposed to tell you…that I need to tell you.  I need you to hear this… DO NOT BELIEVE THE LIE.  This coming straight from above.  If you hear anything please hear that…it is that very distant voice in all the darkness that you are in.  I am not going to belittle you with words that don’t help you right now.  I will ask one thing though…if it gets much worse, please go to the ER.  Jace and I are praying for you and we are here if you need to tell us stuff you can’t say outloud to others. 

Love,

Kendall

Charlotte here:

I have my first shrink appointment tomorrow. (At least, the first such appointment in almost seven years.) It’s possible they’ll send me over for a ‘vacation’ at the hospital. I hope not. Mostly. Part of me is scared of what will happen if they don’t. I have to dig out of this hole. I have fought and clawed my way up. I don’t know why I can’t climb anymore. Perhaps I’ve eroded the walls with my clawing. Or perhaps like the swimmer caught too far out, I just don’t have any energy left to fight.

Some things have finally started going right for us. But the 1 1/2 year onslaught has left me exhausted and somewhat cynical. I have seemingly ridiculous fears. But then, how ridiculous are they in the face of past experience?

I feel weak. My response to my own weakness has always been to fake strength until I could pull it off. Now that I can no longer fake it, I feel shame. Shame that I am as weak as I always feared I might be. Shame that I am as weak as someone once told me I was. I’ve wanted so badly to prove them wrong.

Damn genetics. Damn weakness. Damn depression. Damn loss of faith in myself.

I trust God. I don’t get Him, but I trust Him. I MUST believe He gets me - or it’s all lost.

Menstruation sucks.

Jace

Ever feel like you know a storm is coming?  Not a storm that you hear about but one you feel in your gut or one that makes the hairs on the back of your neck standup.  It started last week for me as I missed two glorious nights of sleep.  The fear of a manic storm is pumping throught my veins right now.  There was some worry about work this past week and I was suprised by my boss on Friday.   I twisted myself in knots the whole damn week and I think by closing time on Friday my body finally said enough.  I woke up Saturday with a real sore throat (and I don’t get that a lot), my back has been spasming out, and one killer migriane later today and I frett that this is just the beginning.  I don’t wish this on myself but I know my ups and downs and I feel as if my brain is just trying to figure out which way it wants to go. 

I am way too sensitive right now.  Seeking pleasure in the stupidest things.  Eating way too much Haagen Daaz Chocalate Peanut Butter Ice Cream.  Sitting on my arse for the whole day…now granted I am not feeling good but still.  Did not do much at work on Friday…my mind shifted into overload and I temporary left my “body” and proceeded to wander in lala land until 5.

Tomorrow I have a doctor’s appt.  And then on Wednesday I see my “head” doctor.  That should be fun.  Hopefully we can stop this storm that is coming.  I can just feel it.  Something about bipolar is wonderful…the fanciful dreams…the only problem is that I know those are the tip of the storm for me…now I just need to figure out if it is Hyper or Depressive.

Kendall